We’ve all had those moments when we felt so socially awkward that we’d rather disappear than force out a conversation. Show
Maybe you accidentally told a bad joke, blurted out something inappropriate, or forgot someone’s name, and then… crickets—awkward silence. If the idea of small talk, networking events or talking to strangers skyrockets your heart rate, you’re not alone. Over 60% of people have experienced social anxiety or shyness. Even leading celebrities like Adele, Mel Robbins, and Jennifer Lawrence have felt socially anxious in certain situations. Here are 8 signs you may be socially inept and 15 straightforward ways to overcome awkwardness. Socially inept people don’t know how to comfortably socialize, engage in conversation, and calmly interact with others. They often misread social cues or feel physically anxious. They may have an intense fear of talking to new people and being humiliated in social settings. Socially inept people feel like this in social situations: ↑ Table of Contents ↑ Like shyness, social awkwardness can manifest in different ways in different people. The main signs of social awkwardness are:
Some people are completely fine in large groups but feel extremely awkward one-on-one. Others may feel socially crippled and afraid to go out in public. Wherever you find yourself on the continuum, know that you are fully capable of learning social skills just like you learned to ride a bike: with practice! ↑ Table of Contents ↑ Someone who is socially inept may be shy, have social anxiety, or simply not have much experience socializing. The opposite of socially inept is socially adept, a social pro who knows how to greet people, start conversations, and make others feel comfortable in their presence. Surprisingly, many socially adept people (including Science of People founder Vanessa Van Edwards) are #recoveringawkwardpeople. She did not have natural social skills and had to learn to be more socially adept. There are few things worse than the humiliating, stomach-churning feeling of embarrassing yourself in front of people. Being socially outcasted or rejected can feel more painful than physical pain. Moreover, loneliness is at nearly epidemic levels in America. The combination of social awkwardness and loneliness makes for an even more awkward paradox: you desperately want to make friends and feel part of a community, but you feel so weird that you don’t know how to connect with people. Fortunately, socializing is a skill that anyone can learn. Here are 15 ways to stop being socially inept and feel more confident in conversation Be a good listenerIt’s hard to think of perfectly witty answers or be conversationally charming. What is a better way to start? With listening? Listening is a social superpower. Stop trying to think of a clever “socially acceptable” response while other people are talking–this will contribute to feeling socially inept. Instead, remedy this by practicing better listening skills. Listen to understand rather than to respond. When someone is sharing something with you:
Action Step: Notice how you feel when someone’s not engaged in what you have to say. Maybe they’re texting while you try to tell them a story. Does it make you feel unimportant or like they don’t care what you say? Remember this emotion to ensure nobody feels that way when talking to you. Learn the essential traits of an active listener versus an unengaged listener and put them into practice.
↑ Table of Contents ↑ Building new social skills requires changing how you perceive yourself in social situations. When you feel socially inept, you may apologize for your behavior out of embarrassment or shame. Socially awkward people often create a subconscious identity around their lack of social skills. For example, they may say, “sorry I’m so awkward,” “I’ve always been shy,” or “I have social anxiety.” If you want to establish social skills as daily habits, you first have to change your beliefs around socializing. Habit expert and author James Clear asserts:
Even if you follow all the steps in this guide, you may still feel socially awkward. As rudimentary as it may seem, you must stop believing you’re socially inept. The most straightforward place to start? Listen to the way you’re describing yourself. Eliminate these phrases from your vocabulary:
And if you do find yourself saying these things, add a growth mindset. Add… “But I am working on it!” “I am growing my confidence.” …or as Vanessa Van Edwards always says, “I am a recoveringawkward person.”
We’ve all had those mundane conversations that go like this: “Hey, how are you?” “Good, you?” “Good” … Then what? That is a conversational trap! Traps happen when we ask questions that produce boring, predictable, one-word answers. People with awkward tendencies often don’t know how to start conversations or get past the initial point of small talk. If you want to feel more prepared before a networking event, date, or party, rehearse a few conversation starters. ↑ Table of Contents ↑ Take 2000+ Conversation Starters to Go – FREE!Never be left in awkward silence again. Take our best conversation starters with you, so you’re prepared for any situation. Save your favorites for quick access, browse by category, and quickly share any starter to other apps. And the best part? It’s FREE!
↑ Table of Contents ↑ Sometimes shyness and social awkwardness go hand-in-hand. Unfortunately, they’re not a great combo: You feel too shy to socialize, but you feel socially awkward because you don’t talk to people very often. Somehow you have to break this cycle to practice your social skills. But here is a big mistake we make…do not practice new social skills in high-pressure situations! Don’t practice with your boss. Don’t practice with a VIP. Don’t practice with a crush. Hone your skills in low-pressure situations first! One of the easiest ways to overcome shyness is by practicing your conversation skills with wonderful service workers such as:
This is wonderful because you want to make their day better by offering something kind to say, and they are often relatively easy to talk to. After all, they are likely socially adept, and you can learn from them! Say “hey, how are you?” and ask them a question like:
Practice being less socially awkward by honing your conversation skills in these low-pressure settings. Just be sure the employee is not too busy with other customers. Pro-Tip: Sometimes, you can tell people you feel socially awkward and are working on practicing conversation. Vulnerability and asking for help are empowering. You got this! ↑ Table of Contents ↑ Replace negative thoughts with positive affirmationsResearch shows that self-affirmations help you feel more competent when dealing with perceived threats (like socializing). In other words, the things you repeat in your head have the power to shape your identity and your confidence around dealing with situations that scare you. Action Step: Replace negative thoughts about socializing with positive beliefs about your social abilities. Whether you say it out loud or internally, affirm your new identity as a socially savvy person.
For more scientifically-proven affirmations, check out this post with 120 Positive Daily Affirmations for Happiness. Pro Tip: Being shy isn’t a dealbreaker for your social life. Sometimes awkward shyness is just a result of repeated social habits. If you are introverted or feel super shy in social situations, try these 6 science-backed strategies for overcoming shyness. ↑ Table of Contents ↑ Be empatheticEmpathy is understanding and identifying with other people’s emotions and thoughts. Socially savvy people tend to be highly empathetic and easily relate to others. But when you’re socially inept, you may not pick up on people’s emotions. Perhaps you laugh at an inappropriate time, or you don’t show any concern for a struggle they share with you. Some of the most important Habits of Highly Empathetic People include:
Action Step: Watch Stanford psychologist Jamil Zaki’s TEDx Talk about the science behind empathy and how you can cultivate this skill in your life.
↑ Table of Contents ↑ Find balance with eye contactOh, eye contact is a delicate balance! Too much, and it’s overbearing and creepy. Not enough, and it’s avoidant and dismissive. So what to do? When you’re talking to someone, 3-5 seconds of eye contact at a time is usually socially acceptable. It’s normal to look away for a moment and then return your gaze. And don’t forget to blink! But just like everything in life, balance is critical. Avoiding eye contact or looking down during a conversation can also be perceived as shy or socially unskilled, depending on the culture. You don’t want people to think that you’re uninterested in what they have to say. Try to look at people about 50% of the time while speaking and 70% while you’re listening. ↑ Table of Contents ↑ Don’t violate the personal space bubbleLike the “close talker” in Seinfeld, getting too close to people can make them feel uncomfortable. Watch this funny clip from Seinfeld to see how people react to a “close talker” that violates personal space:
In America, it’s pretty common to keep at least 12-18″ of personal space between people unless you know them intimately. In other countries, pay attention to where other people stand in a conversation and mirror them. Rule of Thumb: If you take a step in and they step back–you are too close! Rule of Thumb: If they keep taking steps toward you, you are too far! Take note of the social norms amongst people you’re hanging out with. ↑ Table of Contents ↑ Don’t forget your filterDo you know when someone randomly blurts out something inappropriate or cringey? “Last night, I had the worst diarrhea after dinner.” “I heard Sydney is sleeping with the boss.” “If you didn’t vote for [political candidate], you are a fool.” … Uhh yeah, awkward. People with no filter can create incredibly awkward moments. In extreme situations, lacking a filter can also drive away friends. People with no filter often:
You wouldn’t drink unfiltered water straight from the river, so don’t go into a conversation without a filter. Socially adept people consciously think before they speak and avoid specific topics. Avoid these topics to appear more socially adept:
Work on building a mental filter that stops you from blurting out anything inappropriate or potentially awkward. But remember not to beat yourself up if you let something slip. Everybody says random or unnecessary comments at some point. Action Step: Don’t just say whatever is on your mind at a given moment. Before speaking, take a deep breath and wait 2-3 seconds to think about what you say. This will help you socialize with more poise and respectfulness. ↑ Table of Contents ↑ Be imperfect and laugh at your blundersWhen trying to overcome awkwardness, you may feel pressure to be perfect in your social interactions. But something is endearing about seeing the imperfect sides of people. Research shows that embracing your imperfections makes you more likable. This is called The Pratfall Effect, and it explains how small clumsy mistakes can humanize you and make you appear more relatable. Laughing at yourself shows you don’t take yourself so seriously. It can also take the edge off of an awkward conversation. Action Step: If you fumble over your words or laugh at a joke you don’t understand, don’t be afraid to shrug it off and chuckle at yourself. You can say, “oh, I don’t know where I was going with that,” or “haha, I have no idea what you’re talking about, but I laughed about being friendly.” ↑ Table of Contents ↑ Show interest in other peopleShowing interest in other people is the easiest “coverup” for lack of social skills. After all, people like to talk about themselves and like it when others are interested in them. As you work to build up your socializing toolbox, take the pressure off of yourself to say clever comments or act interesting. Instead, keep the spotlight on other people by expressing interest in what they have to say.
Pro Tip: Laugh at people’s jokes, ask questions about their life, and act fascinated by their stories. Most people want to feel cool, funny, interesting and valued by others. ↑ Table of Contents ↑ Learn to read body languageHave you ever had an awkward conversation with someone that seemed to be looking for their first chance to escape? They probably didn’t say they felt awkward, but their body language may have spoken volumes. As you notice how other people’s body language makes you think, you can avoid or mirror certain positions to portray yourself as relaxed in social scenarios. Signs that someone is trying to escape an awkward conversation may include:
On the other hand, when people feel comfortable, they appear at ease. Signs that someone is pleasantly engaged in conversation include:
To avoid social awkwardness, it is vital to learn to read people’s body language so you can pick up on nonverbal cues. Action Step: As you approach a conversation, practice friendly, open body language. Keep your shoulders back and down to look more confident. Show your hands and avoid putting them in your pockets, so you appear more open and trustworthy. Face your torso toward the person you’re talking to and take a few deep breaths to look more relaxed. ↑ Table of Contents ↑ Avoid awkward silence with story-generating questionsWhen there’s a long pause in the conversation, things can get awkward. In the English language, a pause for longer than 4 seconds can make people feel uncomfortable. If you find yourself in moments of awkward silence, just jump in with an open-ended question. When possible, avoid yes/no questions that may lead to more uncomfortable quiet. For example, instead of asking, “Do you like working in marketing?” say, “What’s your favorite thing about marketing?” or “What projects are you currently working on?” Story-generating questions tend to keep conversations open and flowing more smoothly. Here are some other good ones to keep in your back pocket:
↑ Table of Contents ↑ Never say this phraseSometimes you can save yourself from social embarrassment by replacing a simple phrase. For example, have you ever walked up to someone and said, “So nice to meet you!” And they reply, “Uh, we’ve met a few times before.” And you’re, like, “OMG, how awkward! My bad!” Don’t worry. It happens all the time. Sometimes faces blur together, and you forget who you’ve met before. An easy social save? Never say, “nice to meet you.” Instead, always use the phrase “nice to see you.” It is warm and relevant whether you’re meeting someone for the first time or you (might have) met them before. Here are a few other awkward social saves that might help:
↑ Table of Contents ↑ Remember people’s namesHow many people do you meet that say, “oh, I’m so bad at remembering names”? Practically everyone, right? Stand out from the crowd and start remembering people’s names so you can avoid awkward social situations like this: “Hey, Ben! How’s it going?” “Oh hey…. You!” *panic because you forgot their name* “… Great, how’s life?” One of the biggest social failures is forgetting someone’s name when they remember yours. Dale Carnegie said, “a person’s name is to that person, the sweetest, most important sound in any language.” Scientists have found that more brain activation occurs from hearing your name versus hearing someone else’s. Social pros remember people’s names because it lights up their interactions. Action Step: Brain and memory coach Jim Kwik developed a simple 7-step method that he’s used to remembering thousands of people’s names. The acronym BE SUAVE encompasses the method and the result. It is socially suave to recall names.
Make a promise to yourself to practice this method for the next month and see how your social interactions change. Learn more about Jim Kwik’s memory tips for names in this video:
↑ Table of Contents ↑ There is no shortage of socially awkward characters in movies. If you want to study what not to do in social situations, notice how these socially inept characters act and how others react. For example, in this Meet the Fockers scene, Ben Stiller’s character over-shares embarrassingly intimate information during a speech to his whole family. His character is a perfect example of social ineptitude and the importance of having a filter! Cringe!
In this scene from Superbad, Michael Cera’s character shows how awkward it can be to stare at someone for an uncomfortable amount of time.
There are plenty of cringe-worthy moments in movies that can make you feel awkward just watching them. You may even feel physically uncomfortable watching them. But don’t forget to laugh it off! A little comedic relief can be a great reminder not to take yourself too seriously… at least you’re not [super socially awkward character]. ↑ Table of Contents ↑ How do I know if I am socially inept? The key signs of being socially inept or socially awkward include feeling super nervous in social situations, experiencing a lot of awkward silence in the conversation, or noticing people avoid conversation with you. You may not pick up on social cues, say offensive things, or accidentally blurt out inappropriate comments. What do you call someone who is socially inept? Someone who is socially inept may be called an outcast, strange, socially awkward, weird, shy, nerdy, reserved, or odd. Often socially awkward people can feel incredibly lonely due to being ostracized in social situations or getting bullied. Thankfully, basic social skills overcome social ineptitude. Is it OK to be socially inept? Being socially inept is not necessarily bad, but it may lead to disappointing or embarrassing social interactions. You may feel ostracized from peer groups or unable to connect to others. It can also lead to constantly overthinking what you did wrong in social situations. Are introverts socially inept? Introverted people are not necessarily socially inept. Many introverts are socially savvy individuals that need time to recharge between social events. ↑ Table of Contents ↑ If you want to stop feeling like this while socializing: And start feeling like this: Remember these key tips for being socially savvy and avoiding awkwardness:
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