What skill is involved when you take into account the other persons thoughts feelings values background and perspective when communicating?

What are interpersonal skills? Find out why interpersonal skills are essential for your professional and personal relationships and how you can improve them.

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Have you ever noticed that people weren’t paying attention to anything you said during a discussion? They might have even fidgeted with the buttons of their cardigan instead of looking at your face while you were talking. Or maybe they cut you off mid-sentence to tell you something unrelated. On the other end of the spectrum, you might have been forced to listen to someone’s rambling monologue and wondered whether their speech had a point.

Productive social interactions are possible when all involved parties have sufficient interpersonal skills. In this article, you’ll discover key examples of interpersonal skills and find out how you can improve them.

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What are Interpersonal Skills? (A Definition)

We, humans, are intrinsically social species. Effective social interactions are vital for our careers, personal relationships, and life satisfaction. Furthermore, meaningful social interactions keep our brains healthier and our cognitive skills sharper as we get older (Kensinger & Gutchess, 2017; Ristau, 2011). Given how essential social interactions are, you may find it strange that some individuals can effortlessly handle any social situation whereas others struggle even with the most straightforward social behaviors. These variances in how people carry themselves in social circumstances result from differences in interpersonal skills.
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Also known as soft skills or social skills, interpersonal skills are the competencies that allow you to interact effectively with other people and function well as a member of society. They enable you to exchange information with others, build connections, maintain relationships, and resolve conflicts. Let’s take a closer look at what these skills are and why they matter in communication and other social functions.

Why Interpersonal Skills Matter in Communication

One key feature that distinguishes us from other species is our complex communication systems. We use vocal cues to represent ideas and objects and have invented grammar to provide a structural foundation to language and symbols to write it down. Nevertheless, we also use bodily cues to communicate our thoughts, feelings, confidence levels, and our standing in a social hierarchy, whether consciously or not. In other words, the way we communicate is the basis of how others perceive us and the information we relay.

Communicating well is vital in all aspects of life, may it be at home, school, or workplace. At a personal level, poor interpersonal skills and miscommunication can cause unnecessary heartache, resentment, and stress. However, they can cause delays in projects and loss of resources, customers, and income at a workplace. In contrast, effective communicators are great at exchanging information at many levels; they talk eloquently, write well, and accurately identify bodily cues and gestures. Although many great communicators naturally excel in any social setting, others become great by improving their interpersonal skills, enabling them to communicate more effectively.

Let’s consider the role of interpersonal skills with a clinical example. Typically, doctor’s appointments last only a few minutes. Yet, the patient-physician communication shapes the diagnosis and the treatment plan just as much as any observable symptoms the patient may have. A physician with effective interpersonal skills would use her time wisely. She would listen to the patient carefully and with an open mind, explain her diagnosis in clear terms to ensure that her patient understands it, and display empathy. 
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On the other hand, a physician with poor interpersonal skills might treat the patient as an object to be fixed rather than a person, fail to listen to him closely and provide a jargon-filled diagnosis. Ultimately, miscommunication in a healthcare setting may not only confuse the patient and might even affect his health outcomes and threaten his safety. 

Do you want to learn how you can communicate better when you speak? You may want to watch this video.

Video: How to Speak So That People Want to Listen

Interpersonal Skills Versus Intrapersonal Skills

A concept that is often confused with interpersonal skills is intrapersonal skills. Although these two terms sound similar, they refer to distinct skill sets. Let’s dissect the words to understand how they differ. The term interpersonal contains the Latin root word inter, which means between. However, the term intrapersonal includes the Latin root word intra, which means within. Based on these root words, we can quickly gather that interpersonal skills refer to a person’s ability to interact with others. In contrast, intrapersonal skills are associated with a person’s self-awareness. 

Essential Interpersonal Skills: Meanings and Examples

There are a host of interpersonal skills in the literature. This multitude reflects that these skills can be behavioral, cognitive, judgment-oriented, or attitude-based (Koenig, 2011). Furthermore, interpersonal skills build upon many dimensions, such as traditions, customs, gender roles, social expectations, and past experiences (Koenig, 2011). In short, there are multiple ways to classify interpersonal skills. Yet, many researchers generally use between two to four categories of essential interpersonal skills. These are communication-related, relationship-building, peer leadership, and social and behavioral agility skills. Let’s look at what these skill sets represent.

Communication-related
We have already discussed that humans have intricate communication systems and our ability to communicate is vital for all aspects of our lives. Communication-related interpersonal skills are the skills you use to exchange information with others. While some of these skills are essential for expressing yourself or conveying information, other communication-related skills help you receive and understand information coming from other individuals (Hutchins et al., 2013). So, it is not a surprise that communication-related skills are probably the most essential interpersonal skill sets. 

Relationship-building
You may be great at exchanging information with other people, but to function well in society, you would also need the ability to form and maintain relationships. As its name indicates, the relationship-building interpersonal skill set helps you plant the seeds of social bonds. However, it also enables you to nurture these bonds, collect their fruits when you need them, prune some, and, if necessary, weed out the unhealthy or toxic ones. 

Peer leadership
Have you ever been part of a discussion when someone referred to an individual as a born leader, and everyone else nodded in agreement? Very likely, that individual has impeccable peer leadership skills. These skills allow you to lead a group and be an essential part of group decisions. Peer leadership skills are also crucial for you to be able to teach, motivate, or give advice to your peers (Hutchins et al., 2013). Since these skills are closely associated with relationship-building skills, some scholars consider them part of that skill set. Moreover, not everyone has to lead others day-to-day to be a productive and respected member of society or to have a fulfilling life. Yet, people with solid peer leadership skills can rise to the occasion on a whim and fill leadership roles in emergencies such as a natural disaster (Wolanski, 2015). 

Social and Behavioral Agility
​If you have ever witnessed a store manager effectively deescalate tension with grace and turn a displeased customer into a contented one, you might have seen strong social and behavioral agility skills on display. Social and behavioral agility skills are the abilities you use to monitor and interpret social situations and adapt your behavior accordingly so that you can control or influence the direction of the interaction (Hutchins et al., 2013). Again, some scholars don’t consider this set of skills as a distinct class apart from the relationship-building skills.

Interpersonal Skills List

Now that we covered the general categories of interpersonal skills, we can further break down these categories into individual skills. Here is a comprehensive list of key skills within each set with brief descriptions. You may notice that some of the skills have overlapping qualities with one another. Again, this overlap is due to the multidimensional nature of interpersonal skills. 1. Communication-related interpersonal skills:

• Verbal communication – the ability to express yourself clearly and precisely when speaking.
• Written communication – the ability to express yourself clearly, precisely, and concisely in written words. 
• Nonverbal communication – the ability to express and decipher the meanings of bodily cues.
• Active listening – the ability to listen to others attentively while they talk.
• Information sharing – the ability to communicate relevant information with others around you and refrain from sharing unnecessary information or oversharing.
• Information gathering – the ability to sift through information and focus on what is useful or relevant.
  

2. Relationship building interpersonal skills:

• Cooperation – the ability to work with others or as part of a team.
• Courtesy – the ability to be supportive of and helpful to others you interact with.
• Amicability – the ability to behave in a pleasant, friendly, and approachable manner.
• Trust – the belief in the integrity, credibility, and reliability of others.
• Dependability – the ability to invoke trust in people you interact with and act in a way to be perceived that way.
• Empathy – the ability to understand and accept other people’s feelings, opinions, and experiences, even if they are different from yours. In other words, it is the skill you use when you put yourself in someone else’s shoes. It also includes the ability to respect diversity and to express interpersonal and intercultural sensitivity.
• Negotiation – the ability to come into agreement with others, and when necessary, to compromise. 
• Conflict resolution – the ability to address disagreements constructively to reach solutions that you and all other involved individuals approve of. 
  

3. Peer leadership interpersonal skills:

• Helping others – this ability is somewhat similar to courtesy but also incorporates your willingness to assist other people in achieving their life goals or improving their performance.
• Energizing others – the ability to motivate and empower people you interact or work with to stay on course toward reaching goals and desired outcomes.
• Rewarding others – the ability to appreciate the success of others and praise their efforts.
• Supervision – the ability to ensure that others are following rules and protocols 
• Staffing – the ability to match individuals to appropriate roles. It includes the skill to identify the right person to ask for help.
• Serving as a role model – the ability to model desired behaviors that inspire others.
  

4. Social and behavioral agility skills:

• Social perception – the ability to read the room and understand the emotions and opinions of people around you. 
• Self-perception – the ability to look inward and be aware of your own emotions, thoughts, and opinions. 
• Self-presentation – the ability to maintain composure and manage your thoughts and emotions during social interactions.
• Social influence – the ability to guide and persuade people around you.
• Adaptability and flexibility – the ability to adjust your behaviors as a reaction to changes in social situations.

Interpersonal Skills for Your Resume

Effective interpersonal skills are vital for an employee to interact with coworkers, work in team settings, resolve conflicts, and satisfy the needs of customers. So, it is no surprise that many employers value interpersonal skills when hiring. This is the reason why you might want to take a look at your resume and, if necessary, revise it to highlight your interpersonal skills. 

When revising your resume, you can use the list of interpersonal skills we discussed earlier and include applicable skills that match your experiences and abilities. However, you might want to reword them to fit your needs. For instance, you can highlight your cooperation skills by writing “excellent cooperation skills” or “team player” or “enjoys collaborating with others,” among other variations.

When you revise your interpersonal skills in your resume, one thing to consider is to use a few of them while doing it. For instance, try to ensure that your writing is clear and your resume comes across as well-written. Furthermore, try assessing your skills with a critical eye and refrain from exaggerating or misrepresenting your abilities. You might want to resist the temptation to look at someone else’s resume and copy their list of interpersonal skills because they sound perfect. While writing your resume, one thing to keep in mind is to represent yourself honestly and come across as a dependable and trustworthy candidate. Hence, it is okay if some of your interpersonal skills are not very strong. You might want to highlight the skills you know you have instead. 

When you include an interpersonal skill in your resume, try to remember specific experiences that demonstrate it and make a note somewhere. Not only would some of those experiences be useful when writing cover letters, but they might also help you tremendously during job interviews. Let’s assume your resume includes conflict resolution in your list of skills. An interviewer might ask you to give an example of how you handled a conflict in the past. If you have thought about specific experiences about your skills, you’d be more likely to talk about your most important or relevant experience and potentially gain extra points for your eloquence, in other words, your verbal communication skills.

Interpersonal Skill Development in Kids

From the moment of birth, every person starts developing their interpersonal skills. One of the most vital periods of social skill development is when we are kids. However, interpersonal skills are usually assumed to happen regardless and aren’t always an essential consideration for a child’s future success and well-being. One underlying reason for ignoring the development of interpersonal skills in children is that in an increasingly competitive world, many parents, guardians, educators, and coaches focus instead on children's academic and athletic achievements rather than on their social aptitudes. 

For instance, many apps, websites, and even subscription kits promise to teach advanced topics or enable kids to earn higher grades, and I know some parents swearing by their academic effectiveness. I even know of a few parents who have plucked their children from my son’s swim team to a swim club located much farther away because that club has a newer pool and more accomplished coaches. In contrast, I take my son to his swim practices because he likes his current coaches and has a few close friends on his team. Similarly, I send him to our district’s public school, not only for their academic offerings but also because I want him to grow emotionally and hone his interpersonal skills by interacting with his age mates who live nearby so that he can socialize with them outside school hours as well. 

So, how can we help kids improve their interpersonal skills? The first thing to note is that most school-aged children spend a significant portion of their days at school. Therefore, socialization at school is one of the most critical factors in a child’s interpersonal skill development (Ladd, Buhs, and Troop, 2002). If you are a parent of a student, you might find it hard to know much about their daily interactions unless you work at the same school. Yet, there are still ways to work around that issue. 

For instance, when my son comes from school, I have a leisurely discussion about his school day. For that, I use my active listening skills. When my son tells me about his social interactions, I listen carefully and ask relevant questions without being intrusive. Another way to learn about your student’s social development is to discuss them with teachers and other educators during parent-teacher conferences and other meetings. 

Children, especially when they are young, learn a great deal by imitation (Over and Carpenter, 2013; Over, 2020). This highlights the importance for caregivers to model desirable behaviors. For instance, if a parent behaves amicably towards others and displays empathy, their child would likely integrate those skills by imitating the parent. However, if your child is unable to imitate your behaviors, you might want to watch for other signs such as the inability to interpret certain communications such as body language or humor, or problems with connecting with others and making friends, which might be associated with Autism spectrum disorders (Campisi et al., 2018).

What Are Interpersonal Skills in DBT?

DBT stands for dialectical behavioral therapy, which typically incorporates mindfulness training and interpersonal effectiveness training with the goal to strengthen an individual’s interpersonal skills. Most DBT programs are divided into skill sets such as objective effectiveness, self-respect effectiveness, and relationship effectiveness. Each set is associated with easy-to-remember acronyms based on the skills it includes. Let’s discuss each set with its acronym.
Objective effectiveness: DEAR MAN

• D – describe what you want clearly 
• E – express your feelings so that others know how you feel
• A – be assertive and firm in your communication
• R – reinforce the positive aspects of the outcome you desire
• M – be mindful and stay focused on the conversation
• A – appear confident
• N – negotiate and compromise if necessary

Relationship effectiveness: GIVE

• G – be gentle in your communication
• I – show interest and don’t interrupt the other person
• V – validate the other person’s opinions, thoughts, and ideas
• E – have an easy attitude and be approachable

Self-respect effectiveness: FAST

• F – be fair to the other person and yourself
• A – don’t apologize unless you are at fault
• S – stick to your values
• T – be truthful and avoid exaggeration or dishonesty​

Video: 6 Communication Truths That Everyone Should Know

Activities to Build Interpersonal Skills ​

There are numerous activities you can do to build your interpersonal skills. Some of these activities can be done individually, whereas others are done in a group setting. Here are a few fun examples you might enjoy.

Body language game
This is an activity you can do while watching TV. That’s right! Simply find a movie or a TV show with interacting characters that you can rewind. Then mute your TV and observe how the actors use their body language for the next few minutes. Can you guess the moods they are conveying? Next, rewind to the spot where you started your observation and unmute your TV. Listen to the conversation and see if the mood and emotions match your body language observations. You can do this activity on your own or with your friends.

Active listening and collaboration game
In this group activity, one person reads a short passage to a group. When she finishes reading, she calls on a group member, who then tells everything he can remember. Once he finishes his retelling, other group members add courteously any details he missed. The game ends when all group members have retold a passage once.

Communication role play
​This is another fun activity you can try with your friends. Each group member writes a neutral statement on a piece of paper. The statements can be about anything, and each paper shall contain only a single statement, such as “my bike has a flat tire” or “I need to buy cat food.” Fold these statement papers and put them inside a hat or a bag. Next, one person writes every emotion they can think of on individual pieces of paper, folds them, and places them inside another hat or bag. Then, two volunteers come out front, one of them pulls a piece of paper from each bag. She reads the statement aloud using the tone and body language that matches her emotional pick. The other volunteer responds as if it were a real discussion. After a few minutes of back-and-forth dialogue, the group members will guess the first volunteer’s emotion and discuss how the second volunteer reacted.

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Final Thoughts on Interpersonal Skills

Interpersonal skills are essential to interact effectively with other people. Given that most of us interact with multiple people on a daily basis, these skills are likely used more frequently than other skills we have. Interpersonal skills allow us to express ourselves clearly, understand others, collaborate with them, and resolve conflicts. The stronger our interpersonal skills, the better we get along with others, and we feel happier and more supported. Fortunately, we can always polish our interpersonal skills and enhance our social lives.

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References

• ​Campisi, L., Imran, N., Nazeer, A., Skokauskas, N., & Azeem, M. W. (2018). Autism spectrum disorder. British Medical Bulletin, 127(1).
• Hutchins, S., McDermott, P., Carolan, T., Gronowski, M., Fisher, A., & DeMay, M. (2013). Interpersonal skills summary report. Alion Science and Technology-MA&D Boulder Co.
• Kensinger, E. A., & Gutchess, A. H. (2017). Cognitive aging in a social and affective context: Advances over the past 50 years. The Journals of Gerontology: Series B, 72(1), 61-70.
• Koenig, J. A. (2011). Assessing 21st century skills: Summary of a workshop. National Research Council.
• Ladd, G. W., Buhs, E. S., & Troop, W. (2002). Children’s interpersonal skills and relationships in school settings: Adaptive significance and implications for school-based prevention and intervention programs. Blackwell handbook of childhood social development, 394-415.
• Over, H., & Carpenter, M. (2013). The social side of imitation. Child development perspectives, 7(1), 6-11.
• Over, H. (2020) The social function of imitation in development. Annual Review of Developmental Psychology, 2, 93-109.
• Ristau, S. (2011). People do need people: Social interaction boosts brain health in older age. Generations, 35(2), 70-76.
• Wolanski, T. A. B. (2015). Preparing Students for Disaster: A Leadership Approach. Designing and Integrating a Disaster Preparedness Curriculum, 83.

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